Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Invisible (What you don't see)

I live with a couple of diseases that could fall into the term "invisible disease".  I take medicine for them daily, they effect my everyday life and the lives of those closest to me.  But to look at me you would probably think I'm just fine.  And I am for the most part.  Aside from a lazy pancreas and sometimes chemically out of whack brain, I'm a healthy person.  But I do live with a chronic illness that most people just don't see.  All of the things below don't necessarily apply to me but I think they apply to a lot of people who live with invisible disease.

Many people sleep soundly.  I laid wide awake with tears running down my cheeks
Many people enjoy their meal without a second thought.  I worked out the carbs in my head and the math to determine how much insulin I need
You might be tired because you were up late watching a movie,  I'm tired because I was up at 2 am treating a low blood sugar
Some people spend their money on new gadgets, nights out, and fun things, Some months I spend over $500 on supplies and appointments to keep myself alive
Lots of people get nervous over getting their flu shot. I pricked my finger 10 times today and injected insulin 6 times
You get out of bed and shower, decide what to have for breakfast.  I have an argument with myself about why it is worth it to get out of bed today.  Then I check my blood sugar, decide what to eat, and figure out how much insulin to take, fill up a syringe, and inject.
Some people get shaky with low blood sugar after not eating lunch.  I am responsible for managing my disease with a drug that, if not handled correctly, could send me into a hypoglycemic episode, or even kill me
I battle the thoughts inside my head that say I'm not good enough.
I stress about the amount of money I spend to manage my disease and if it is going to keep me from paying my families bills this month
I tell myself I'm broken
I tell myself that even though my joints hurt, my head hurts, and the last thing I want to do is get out of the bed and deal with other human beings, it is what has to be done and I shouldn't be so selfish
I tell myself that my wife and kids deserve better
I fight back tears at random moments during the day

And through it all most of the world doesn't have a clue about any of it.  Because I don't look sick and I try to put on a happy face.

Do you relate to any of the things on the list?  What other things should be on the list?


  1. I relate to just about ALL of the things on this list. I hate that you feel these things too. But thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. Especially the broken and not good enough part - I really thought I was the only one who felt that way.

    1. You're definitely not the only one. I know it's not right and I had a therapist ask me once what I would tell someone if they told me they thought they were broken (my only real reply was "you're not") but I just can't help but feel that way sometimes