Friday, September 4, 2015

It's Been A While

This post has been sitting in my drafts for about 2 weeks.  It's something I've needed to address but have been hesitant to post.  I've read it over, almost changed stuff, almost deleted stuff, but in the end I wanted it to be raw and unedited.  I have grown too good at saying it's ok, or editing my thoughts and feelings to make people and even myself believe that everything is fine when in reality there is a whirlwind going on inside my head.  

It's been a while since I have been even looked at my blog.  It's been a while since I looked at anyone else's blog.  My Feedly list is backed up and overflowing.  Just thinking about trying to weed through gives me the beginning of a panic attack.  It's been a while since I participated in a DOC Twitter chat.  It's been a while since I've done much of anything diabetes related other than do just enough to keep myself alive.  That may be a bit of an exaggeration.  In truth, I've probably done enough to keep my A1c right around 8 area that it's been.  And for right now I'm OK with that.  I've been riding a roller coaster mentally for a while.  I've been telling myself that it's not that big of a deal.  That it's temporary.  I tell myself I'll get through it on my own, it will just take a little bit of time.  I was telling myself that until I was confronted with it at work last week and forced to take a good look at it.  Cornered and made to spill the beans about what is going on in my head to people that I had no desire to have those kinds of conversations with.  Forced to admit some things to myself that I haven't wanted to.
    My mental state has been causing some problems off and on with work for the better part of this year.  Depression makes the simplest tasks, such as getting out of bed, seem daunting and impossible.  When I do get out of bed, as I get ready for the day the worries and the fear and the dread mount up inside me.  The more I worry the more I feel like I can't face the day and the bigger the mountain to climb becomes.

      "What if I damage someone's vehicle at work because my mind isn't there?"
      "What if I reach my breaking point and lose it in front of everyone?"
      "What if all these people find out how I really feel?"

    None of these are really that big of a deal but in that moment they feel like they could be the end of the world.  Add that to all the things I'm already worrying about:
      "What if I have a really bad low while I'm at home with my 4 year old?"
      "What if I'm not a good enough father to my kids?"
      "What if we can't afford to pay for my insulin this month?"
    I am really good at saying "Nothing" or "I'm fine" when asked how I'm feeling.  Even if its the person I love the most, the doctor I'm supposed to tell the truth so she can prescribe the right medicine, or the therapist I'm supposed to let in so she can help me feel better.  Taking down the wall and exposing how I am really feeling is very difficult.  I feel weak and I'm afraid to show that.  I'm supposed to have the answers but I often don't.  I'm supposed to be a support system for the people I love but I don't even feel capable of supporting myself at times.  I'm 30 years old but sometimes I still feel like a feeble child, afraid of going out into the world. 

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