Thursday, February 25, 2016

Relearning Happiness

I've realized in the last few weeks how small changes can have really big impacts.  I changed positions at work, eliminating some of the stress involved with my job, and I feel like a whole new person.  I have to remind myself after I get in the car and head home that I don't need to worry about the phone ringing with problems I'll need to solve.  When I see employees approaching my heartbeat quickens momentarily until I realize that they aren't going to need to adjust schedules, covers shifts, hire someone to replace them, or work late.  I look forward to parts of my work day instead of dreading getting out of bed in the morning.  Such a small change has made a drastic change in my overall mood.  It has bled over into the rest of my life.  I have more patience and time to spend with my kids and wife.  The time we spend is better because I am in a much better mood.  Going to therapy and making adjustments to my medication both had slow moving effects on how I felt.  I could tell things were getting better but it was happening in half time.  Taking the leap and making a move that I felt good about but knew had some uncertainty in it made the biggest difference of all.  And it happened much more quickly than I expected.  Because of the speed with which it happened I was a little caught off guard.  A had to remind myself that it was OK for me to feel this way.  It was more than OK, it's great.  This should be the norm, not a fleeting moment.  I fell much more like my old self again, able to take joy in the parts of my life I had lost hope for.  Sure I'm not working my dream job, but there are parts of it that I really do enjoy and find little bits of passion in.  Parts of it that I had lost sight of and were hard to find when I was scared just to walk through the door and felt suffocated by the anxiety of facing each day.  In turn I'm finding passion in life again as well.  I'm emerging from this cocoon I had wrapped myself in to protect myself from the world around me.  I don't need every second of free time to recover from the trauma I was feeling from other parts of my life.  I never lost sight of how much I loved my wife, but I'm appreciating it  now more than ever.  Appreciating her and the wonderful person she is.  I'm noticing the little things the kids do that make me laugh and smile, not just the things that drive me over the edge.  I'm enjoying watching them grow and develop their personalities.  I'm slowly getting back into the routine of taking care of myself so I can be there to watch that happen.  And as I learn what it's like to be happy without working so hard at it I am finding it easier to get past the more difficult parts.  I can keep a more positive outlook and remind myself that the moments of turmoil pass and I will soon be content again.  In the grand scheme, the change I made was not all that big, but the things it has set in motion have the possibility to be huge.  I fell hopeful about life again.  Hopeful about getting a degree and setting my life off in the direction I want.  Excited about helping others and making connections in the diabetes community again.  In love with my family and the life we are creating.  A short time ago I was dreading what lay around the next corner, today I can't wait to turn that corner.  Everyday has the potential to be a good day and I am determined to embrace each one!

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