Wednesday, January 7, 2015

So This Is The New Year

  Figured now is a good time update life so far in 2015 and look forward to what I hope this year to bring.  Today should have been the day that we closed on our new house.  But, much like the rest of the process we hit yet another delay.  Due to someone dragging their feet on some paperwork we were able to do our final walk through today, but will not be closing until Friday morning.  So now the finals days are here.  Packing everything but the essentials, trying to decide what we need for the next 3 days and what we can live without.  I look around and feel like there should be more boxes or that we still have a lot left.  And then I look closer and realize there isn't much left to box up, just lots of furniture.  In 3 days we will be unloading into our new house and I'll be spending the remainder of my vacation making our new home look like ours and our old home look less like ours.  I'm so lucky that my wife is along for this ride because she handled all the issues like a champ and kept finding solutions when problems came up.  When I was frustrated and more likely to ignore the problem and hope it would go away she was there finding a way to make it happen.  Without her this whole thing wouldn't be happening.  Even with all the frustrations, ups, downs, roadblocks, and delays we are finally getting out of our cramped house and into our new, bigger, nicer house.  What a great way to start the new year!

  I've never been one for resolutions, or goal-making of any sort really.  But last year was a rough one and at the end of it I was exhausted.  I spent the better part of the year fighting bouts of depression and a lot of time and energy pretending like it wasn't there.  Throughout most of it I kept my diabetes in check.  I finished up with a sparkling 6.6 A1C.  But as the year dragged on the testing became less frequent and the logging became non existent.  I was actually pretty surprised that my A1C was below 7.  I've gotten to the point where I rarely take my bolus insulin.  I count my carbs, calculate my dose, and consciously think about the fact that I need to take insulin.  And then I just don't.  I even think about how bad it is that I'm not taking it.  I think about the complications that come from it and the crappy feeling of being high.  But there is some sort of block there.  And then there are the times that I think I would actually take it, but I forgot it.  I have been racking my brain trying to think of what is going on and what I do to change it.  I think it's part burnout, part depression, and part sheer exhaustion from the holidays and the house fiasco.  So between the two D's I thought this year might be a good one to set something for myself to work towards.  It's a small list but it's what I need.

1.  Test, log, and react to blood sugars on a consistent basis.  I'm starting with testing morning and night and working towards to meal times and post meal periodically.  And then there is taking bolus doses of insulin.  Today I missed breakfast because it was on the run but got lunch, dinner, and an afternoon correction.  Sounds small, but it was a huge victory for me.  Also, a big help for this has been Dealing With Diabetes Burnout by Ginger Vieira.  I got it from my Mother in Law for Christmas and I'm only a few chapters in but I really like it so far.

2.  Keep looking forward.  I am feeling much better than I was several months ago.  Thanks to a good hard look at myself and my behavior and a great psychologist.  But depression is unpredictable.  And progress can be slow sometimes.  It seems like it's two steps forward, one step back.  I'm not where I was when I felt like I was just inches from a breakdown, but I feel a little off and I have slipped from where I was when I stopped going to therapy.  It's small things like the exhaustion creeping in when I can't get out of bed or keep my eyes open.  So it's time to refocus again and make sure I'm paying attention to where my mood is.

3.  Get promoted.  This kind of goes hand in hand with the last one.  I feel stagnant where I am in my career and that doesn't help me to keep out of the black hole that is depression.  There aren't a lot of options for promotion in the job I have but I am ready to work towards the one that is there.  I don't want to be where I am forever, but following my dreams requires going back to school and in the mean time I just as well take what I can get and make some more money in the meantime.

4.  And that brings us to this... Go back to school.  I've mulled the idea over for a long time.  I am so over the demands of retail and the moments with my family I miss out on because of it.  And over the past year as I dealt with my issues, met some new people, and experienced the power of giving back and the 'me too' factor I have found a fire inside.  I don't know exactly what I want to do but I know it involves non profit work and hopefully the diabetes realm.  I want to help people who are diagnosed later in life or just living with diabetes as adults connect and find support from others just like them.  So if all goes as planned I'll be enrolling in school this fall.

So there it is.  What I want to accomplish in 2015.  I am counting on the few readers I have to keep me on track.

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